What most ‘Relationship Experts’ WON’T tell you about trust in a relationship
Trust is a big issue for women who are in relationship and for women looking for a partner. I’m often asked questions around trust. Such as….
“When you’re dating a man, how do you know if he’s TRUSTWORTHY?”
“I love my man but I sometimes feel like I can’t TRUST him, why is that?”
“I find myself holding back how I really feel because I don’t TRUST that he can handle it?”
…And so on.
Trust is essential in relationship. The more trust you have in a relationship, the deeper you can go, the more deeply you allow yourself to love, the longer the relationship will last and the more fulfilling it is for both of you.
When you don’t have trust in a relationship it causes tension, aggravation and pain on both sides.
Just as it’s painful for a woman to feel she can’t trust her man. It’s also very painful for a man when he doesn’t feel trusted by his woman.
Most women don’t realise just how much tension they create for themselves by being unable to trust their man or men in general and what a negative impact it has on their relationship.
From a woman’s perspective, your ability to trust your man has a huge impact on your ability to relax in your relationship, both in and out of the bedroom. This is not just about whether you can trust him to be faithful to you. It’s more complex and more subtle than that.
Of course you want to trust that he’ll be faithful to you. But you also want to trust that he’ll be there for you when you need him. That he’ll do what he promises. That he’ll not run away or get angry when you express how you really feel. That he’ll love and accept you for who you are, as you reveal yourself in each moment… whether you’re revealing your body, your feelings, your power, your intelligence, your passion or your vulnerability.
…Yes there are things you should know in the dating phase (in fact in the first 5 minutes of meeting any man) that tell you whether a man is worthy of your trust or not.
…Yes there are ways of communicating and connecting in a long-term relationship to create and maintain trust.
…Yes there are ways to tell the difference between your own fears and his trustability.
…Yes there are ways to give a man feedback that inspires him to become even more trustable.
…Yes there are ways to deepen trust in relationship to a point where you can completely let go in intimacy in full trust, in full love, and in full ecstasy!
…And yes, when I coach couples I often have to coach a man on what’s making him seem ‘un-trustable’ to his woman and tell him what he can do that will allow her to trust him even more in intimacy and in life. Though, it’s important to understand that there is a difference between a man that is simply not trustable and a man who is indeed trustable but might have some behaviours or even unconscious intentions that make him untrustable in certain moments.
The first step to creating a relationship with real trust, or to know if you can trust a potential partner or your current man is being able to TRUST YOURSELF!
This is something that is rarely talked about by many ‘Relationship Experts’ and yet I believe it’s the very foundation of a trust filled relationship and is very empowering for women who have struggled with trust issues in the past.
How many times have you looked back at a situation in retrospect and thought “I knew…..!” Well how did you know? More than likely it was your intuition. It’s that feeling in your gut, a whisper of a thought or a knowing in your heart. The thing is that often times we don’t trust what we hear, see and feel inside of ourselves enough to be guided by it. We’re so used to looking outside of ourselves for guidance and so our awareness often remains outside of our body and heart.
But the truth is, that intuition and depth of ‘feeling’ (which is different to emotion) is one of greatest gifts of the feminine.
And when you embrace your intuition, your depth of feeling and have the courage to act on it, you benefit not just yourself, but those around you, your loved ones, to your relationship and to your intimate partner.
So, let me explain.
When you’re aware of what’s going on inside your own body and heart, you’re much more aware of how you ‘feel’ in response to a situation, or something your partner does or says. That ‘feeling’ is your gut feeling. Your intuition. It’s your heart that knows the truth in any given moment.
But when you have all your attention external to yourself and your attention is on him, you’re much more likely to be caught up in your head, either analysing things, or caught up in your own fears and fantasies generated by the mind. And that can totally undermine the trust you have in your own intuition.
Also, when you can feel and trust your intuition you’re more able ‘respond’ to him. But when you’re in your head you’re much more likely to ‘react’ to what he says and does.
So the first step to trusting yourself is getting out of your head and becoming more aware of your intuitive ‘feeling’ response to what’s happening.
Once you’re aware of your intuition, of that ‘feeling’ response, the next step is to have the courage and the self esteem to act on it. The more you act on it, the more you grow your self esteem and your courage to trust it. So, self esteem and intuition really go hand in hand.
The thing is that in relationship, with all our patterns of relating, fears and insecurities it can get a bit tricky. But it doesn’t have to.
If I lined up 7 men for you, as a practice exercise, who you’d never met before, and you spoke with each one for 2 minutes. I bet you’d be able to tell me which men ‘felt’ more trustable to you and why. That’s your body wisdom, your hearts knowing your, intuition telling you that. It’s not so much about the other person, it’s about how you feel in response to the other person. With that awareness you can then make an informed decision based on your inner guidance.
If you’re in relationship, the practice is to give that genuine feedback, that feeling, that wisdom to your man in a way that inspires him to be an even better man. Rather than giving him a reaction which can be confusing for him or directing him in a way that disempowers him and makes him feel bad.
If you’re single and dating for example, the practice is to feel that inner wisdom and then make an informed decision on whether you continue to date this man or not. Is that he is completely untrustable or is he a trustable man but just has some behaviours that make him feel untrustable to you in certain moments?
Remember that a good man wants to be trusted in his relationship. And as a woman who knows her worth, you want to be able to trust in your relationship. So it’s worth learning how to get to know your heart’s wisdom, your intuition and how to trust it so you can trust yourself first. It’s also worth growing your self esteem so you have the courage to act on your intuition.
Self-trust really is the foundation you can lay as your part of creating and maintaining a relationship with the depth of trust you both really want, for a deeply fulfilling relationship.